R
aising children between Indian values and Australian expectations is one of the quietest struggles migrant families carry
A mother sits in my clinic holding her child’s school report. She has already read it a couple of times, turning it over in her hands. Nothing dramatic is happening in the room, but you can sense she is thinking quite deeply about something.
After a while, she says something I hear quite often from parents:
“I don’t know if I’m doing this the Australian way… or the right way.”
It’s a simple sentence, but it stays with you. Because underneath it is something many families feel but rarely say out loud: what does “good parenting” even look like when you are trying to raise children between two very different cultures?
Working as a paediatrician in Western Sydney, and having trained in both India and Australia, I often see how parenting sits right at that intersection. Not in theory, but in everyday life, school mornings, homework arguments, bedtime routines, and all the small decisions in between.
Many South Asian families I meet bring strong values into parenting: respect for elders, discipline, hard work, and a deep focus on education and family responsibility. These are not abstract ideas. They shape how children grow up and, in many ways, provide structure and stability.
But children growing up here are also absorbing something else: independence, speaking up, expressing their feelings more openly, and being encouraged to question and negotiate from a young age.
Most parents are not trying to choose between these approaches. They are holding both in their hands at once. And honestly, that is where it starts to feel heavy.
At home, a child is expected to listen, be respectful, and not talk back. At school, that same child is encouraged to voice opinions, ask questions, and challenge ideas. Parents are told to listen more, but also to guide firmly. Then there are grandparents, extended family back home, and, of course, social media, all adding their own versions of what “good parenting” should look like.
It becomes less about instinct and more about constant adjusting.
In clinic conversations, I hear versions of the same worry again and again. “I want my child to do well, but I don’t want them to lose our values.” Or, “I feel like whatever I do, I am getting something wrong.”
And I don’t think this is about poor parenting at all. It is more about the pressure to adapt quickly while still trying to stay anchored to where you come from.
There is also something quieter sitting underneath that: a sense of responsibility that comes from migration itself. Many parents feel they have to “get this right” because so much has already been sacrificed to build a life here. That kind of pressure is rarely spoken about directly, but you can see it in the way parents carry themselves.
Education tends to sit at the centre of this. For many families, it is not just about school results; it is about stability, opportunity, and meaning. But Australia today is not the same system that many parents grew up in. Pathways are more flexible now. Careers are less linear. And wellbeing is spoken about much more openly together with achievement.
So sometimes there is a mismatch, not because parents are rigid, but because the world around them has shifted quite quickly.
Another thing I notice often is how differently emotions are spoken about. In many families, care is shown through action, working hard, providing, protecting, and quietly making sacrifices. That is a powerful form of love.
But in schools and in wider Australian life, emotions are usually discussed more directly. Children are encouraged to name feelings, talk about stress, and express what is going on internally.
Neither approach is wrong. But when they meet without translation, misunderstandings happen quite easily.
A parent might say, “Don’t overreact,” meaning calm down and be strong. A child may hear, “Your feelings don’t matter.” A child says, “I’m stressed,” and a parent may hear it as a sign that something is seriously wrong. Often, both are just trying to care, but speaking slightly different emotional languages.
One thing that doesn’t get enough attention is how much systems shape all of this. Schools, workplaces, and even healthcare all carry expectations about what “involved parenting” looks like. And for migrant families, even small things like school notes or behaviour reports can sometimes feel unfamiliar or hard to interpret.
Most parents don’t complain. They just try to figure it out quietly. But over time, that uncertainty can build up.
If there is one thing I come back to often in these conversations, it is that there is no perfect version of parenting across cultures. That idea probably needs to be let go of.
Children do not need perfect parents anyway. They need consistency. They need to feel safe. And they need repair, the ability for a relationship to come back together after a misunderstanding. In many ways, that repair is more important than getting things right in the moment.
And children can absolutely hold both worlds. They can respect where they come from and still adapt to where they are growing up. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. In fact, it often works better when it isn’t seen that way.
Some families do find it helpful to have a bit of structured support along the way. One option is the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program®, developed in Australia and used in many countries. It is very practical, focusing on everyday parenting situations rather than theory.
A free online version is available for families with children under 12:
https://www.triplep-parenting.net.au/au/parenting-courses/triple-p-online-under-12/
It offers simple strategies for staying calm in difficult moments, managing behaviour early, supporting children’s emotional development and strengthening relationships at home.
Families can take what works and leave what doesn’t, which is important because no single approach fits every household.
Other services such as Headspace, Beyond Blue, Kids Helpline, Emerging Minds, Gidget Foundation Australia, and Be You are also available if families ever need extra support.
Reaching out for help is not a failure; it is just part of parenting in a complex world.
Most parents I meet are not struggling because they lack effort or care. It is usually the opposite. They care deeply, often across too many expectations, and with very little space to pause and make sense of it all.
The mother in my clinic eventually stood up to leave and said something quite simple, almost as an afterthought:
“Maybe I just need to understand my child better… and not be so hard on myself.”
That line stayed with me.
Because in the end, parenting across cultures is not really about getting everything right. It is about slowly building understanding between parents and children, so both can grow, even when they don’t always see the world in the same way.
Professor Habib Bhurawala is a Sydney-based paediatrician. Trained in both India and Australia, he brings a cross-cultural perspective to how families experience and access care. His work focuses on child and adolescent health, prevention, health literacy, and improving equitable access to support for culturally and linguistically diverse communities.
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