Valentine’s Day or Walletime’s Day?

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I dread Valentine’s Day. Not because I don’t have a partner to cosy up to but because I don’t know what to say to her, on the day, that I haven’t said to her in the last 364 days.

I profess my love and affection to my wife every single day. This has been written into the prenuptial agreement. So, I would have practically exhausted my entire romantic vocabulary by the eve of Valentine’s Day and now I have to scramble crazily to find new words to express my love and turn into a hapless Romeo? Wrong example. Romeo killed himself! Maybe right example… The pressure is killing me!

Why do I need a special day to wrench my bleeding heart out and wear it on my sleeve? Should I be telling my wife, “Sorry Pumpkin, I want to whisper sweet nothings in your ears but today is not Valentine’s Day. You have to wait until 14 February”?

I switched on the TV for some divine intervention. A commercial jumped out at me: “Say it with flowers this Valentine’s Day”. Woohoo!! This saved my day and I knew what I was doing wrong. I have not been “saying” it with flowers, chocolates, diamonds and cards. Will I be ever forgiven?

Sarcasm aside, does anyone know the origins of Valentine’s Day or why it is celebrated? Nine out of ten people may not. No point asking the love-struck Valentine romantic fools. They are too busy holding hands and gazing deeply into each other’s eyes. I could explain the origins but it will be as boring as watching wet paint dry. So let’s drop the history trivia and get on with the real issue.

Australia spent A$800 million on Valentine’s Day in 2016. USA spent, wait for it, US$ 20 billion on V-Day 2016 much to the chagrin of those charity organisations who were left gnashing their teeth in disgust and their hungry children wailing in distress! When love is in the air, love becomes blind.

I think Valentine’s Day is a marketing scam encouraged and promoted by businesses representing retail, hospitality, chocolates, gifts, restaurants, florists, jewellery etc. It is unleashed on the unsuspecting public by commercial interests whose sole purpose is that of lining their own pockets. It has nothing to do with love but the love of money.

So, I love to call Valentine’s Day, Walletime’s Day, the day you will have to open your wallet (more than you open your heart) and give it a workout to get rid of its excess fat or burn a hole in it.

I have now discovered a link between Valentine’s Day and global warming (climate change, for the politically correct). I’m not sure why scientists missed finding this strong relationship, which was right under their noses. Let me explain.

Valentine’s Day creates a flurry of activities leading up to it. The first on the collateral damage list are the flowers. Millions of flowers are cut out from their natural abode and turned into bouquets for my lady. Also, millions of trees have to be cut down to make Valentine’s Day cards so that I may express my undying love for my Valentine because she doesn’t trust my word and wants everything in black and white. Maybe she wants to hold this card as evidence, if the relationship goes south. Fewer trees would mean less carbon dioxide removed from the atmosphere, which would reduce the build-up of greenhouse gases.

Chocolates are next on the list. The chocolates must be in the form of hearts. Do not dare to give her an ordinary block of chocolate that look like bathroom tiles. You will be called a heartless monster. Production of chocolates and its packaging releases enough greenhouse gases to block out the sun. By the way, chocolates also contribute to world obesity, as a side benefit.

No Valentine’s Day is complete without jewellery. Diamonds are girl’s best friend and you cannot keep them apart on this day. We all know about how mining has ruined the environment to provide us with the comforts that we crave for so badly. Mining of diamonds and precious stones further increases the Valentine’s Day carbon footprint.

Other Valentine’s Day contributors to global warming are: flashy limousines zipping around cities, going to romantic getaways using cars, flights etc, candlelight (another source of pollution) fancy dinners in restaurants and so on. So, as you can see, the carbon footprint of Valentine’s Day is much bigger than Godzilla’s or Mr Big Foot’s footprint.

Valentine’s Day is a rage in India too, thanks to its eagerness to adopt all things “Western”. Valentine’s Day was unheard of in India until a few years ago. How did Indians express love pre-Valentine’s Day? Some baby boomers must be secretly happy for having saved bucket loads of money. Facebook is also acting as a catalyst to this phenomenon. How would you tell the world otherwise that you love your husband/wife if not by posting photos of Valentine’s Day dining or outing?

So, on Valentine’s Day, when you are sitting with the love of your life in a ritzy restaurant, in the dim glow of candle lights, and as you are slipping a diamond ring on to her finger and melting her heart away and she in return is pulling at your heartstrings, please make an attempt to listen to the “whoosh” sound of a Pacific island disappearing under the water, a big chunk of ice breaking away from an iceberg in the North Pole, a glacier making its way rapidly to the ocean or the last shrieks of an engendered species not eager to join the dodos and dinosaurs.

Thanks Valentine’s Day.

 

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