Father’s Day can be a celebration for many families, but it can also bring difficult feelings to the surface for people whose relationships with their fathers have become distant or strained.
Research cited in the release suggests that father-child estrangement is relatively common. One longitudinal study found that 26 per cent of participants experienced estrangement from their father from the age of 15 onwards, compared with around six per cent who experienced estrangement from their mother. The same research found that many of those relationships were later restored, with around 69 per cent of people who had experienced father estrangement subsequently reporting reconciliation.
Australian research involving people who accessed family and relationship services has also pointed to difficulties in father-child relationships, with 24.4 per cent of participants reporting a difficult relationship with their father. The findings do not represent the Australian population as a whole, but they offer another indication of the challenges that can arise within family relationships.
Elizabeth Jane, an author and emotional wellbeing commentator, said Father’s Day could provide an opportunity for people to consider the state of their relationship with their fathers rather than focusing solely on gifts and celebrations.
“Father’s Day can bring up all sorts of emotions. For some people it is a wonderful celebration, but for others it can highlight distance, disappointment, unresolved issues or simply the realisation that they have drifted apart from their dad,” Jane said.
Jane said relationships can become distant without a single major event causing the separation. Busy lives, changing priorities and a lack of regular contact can gradually reduce communication between parents and adult children.
She encouraged people who have a relationship they want to strengthen to consider making contact rather than continually putting it off.
For those who have an active and safe relationship with their father, Jane suggested using Father’s Day as an opportunity to spend time together and ask questions about his life before he became a parent.
She said learning about a father’s childhood, early ambitions, friendships, working life and experiences could give adult children a different perspective on the person they know as their dad.
“Your father had an entire life before you existed,” Jane said.
Such conversations can also preserve family stories and memories that may otherwise be lost, while helping family members understand experiences and patterns that have shaped their relationships.
Jane also suggested that appreciation does not have to involve a dramatic emotional conversation. A simple acknowledgement of something a father has done or contributed can be meaningful, particularly in families where emotions are not openly discussed.
“We often assume the people closest to us know how we feel. Sometimes they don’t. There is enormous power in simply saying it,” she said.
For people dealing with a falling out or years of silence, Jane said reconciliation does not necessarily have to begin with an attempt to resolve every unresolved issue at once.
Where a relationship is safe and both people are receptive, she suggested starting with a message, a phone call or an invitation for coffee.
“You don’t have to solve 20 years of family history over Father’s Day lunch,” Jane said. “Sometimes somebody simply needs to be brave enough to make the first move.”
At the same time, reconciliation or renewed contact is not appropriate for every family situation. Jane’s advice is framed around relationships where contact is safe and both people are willing to engage.
She also argued that improving a relationship does not always mean changing the other person. As adults, people may see their parents’ flaws more clearly and recognise differences in communication, values or behaviour.
“Provided the relationship is safe, sometimes improving it means letting go of the constant desire for someone to become the person we think they should be and trying to understand the person they actually are,” Jane said.
Spending uninterrupted time together can be another way to reconnect. Jane recommended putting phones and other distractions aside and giving the other person genuine attention.
She said regular contact after Father’s Day matters as much as the day itself. Rather than allowing a positive experience to become an annual event, families could establish simple routines such as a monthly breakfast, a walk, a shared activity or a regular phone call.
“Relationships don’t usually become strong because of one grand gesture. They become strong because of hundreds of small ones,” Jane said.
Jane said Father’s Day can serve as a reminder to consider whether there are things that need to be said while there is still an opportunity to say them.
For some families, that may mean celebrating a close relationship. For others, it may mean acknowledging distance or considering whether a safe and appropriate first step towards reconnecting is possible.
“Whether your relationship with your dad is wonderful, distant or somewhere in between, ask yourself whether there is something you could do to make it better,” Jane said.
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